A  paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or  phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the
reader or listener  to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous,  satirical or dramatic effect.

War does not determine who is right — only who is  left.

Knowledge is  knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit  salad.

To steal idea from one person is  plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus  stops. A train station is where a train
stops. My desk is a work station.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you  down to his level and
beat
you with experience.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

Evening news is where they begin  with ‘Good evening,’ and then
proceed
to tell you why it isn’t.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was  blaming you.
A  clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in  my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Some cause happiness wherever  they go… Others, whenever they go.

I want to die peacefully in my  sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his  car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it’s still on the list.

We  never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t  work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for  forgiveness.

How is it one careless match can  start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Behind every successful man is  his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

You’re never too  old to learn something stupid .

You do not need a parachute  to skydive. You only need a parachute if
you wish to skydive twice.

To be sure of  hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.

I  used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to  be.

Why does someone believe you  when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is  wet?

The early bird might get the worm, but  the second mouse gets the
cheese.

Dolphins are so  smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on  the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.

Change is  inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Going to church  doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a  car.

Light travels  faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them  speak.

Politicians and  diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and  for the same reason.

Whenever I fill  out an application, in the part that says “If an
emergency, notify:” I put  “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

I didn’t fight  my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.

Women will  never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head  and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

When tempted to  fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses  water.

Don’t argue  with an idiot. From a distance it’s difficult to tell you
apart.

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