(La rece despre un subiect fierbinte – un articol pentru tinerii care se apropie de vârsta căsătoriei)

Don’t Mistake Dating for Marriage

Article by Andrew Ballard – Guest Contributor

Love is costly and romance is risky. When we walk by the Spirit and in obedience to Christ’s counsel, the risk is right and the cost is worth paying. But when we follow the deceits of our passions and ignore the way of wisdom, we embrace folly and endanger our souls.

After serving in youth and college ministry for almost a decade, I’ve seen too many young couples coddle open flames. I’m not the exception; despite great training from my parents, a preference for serious “courting” over the flippant “dating” culture around me, and an earnest desire to maintain purity, I too stumbled. In my own days as a bachelor, I edged too close to impurity and singed my own soul — and, when I realized this or that young lady was not the wife for me, and that it was time to put out the fires of affection, my clumsy attempts at damage control often snubbed the hearts of my sisters in Christ.

Dating can be a dangerous game. The pursuit of a good spouse is the pursuit of treasure. But we must not pursue “a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22) at the expense of the better thing (Luke 10:42). So, let me offer three warnings to help you date for the benefit of your soul.

1. Beware of Awakening Love

The shepherdess in the Song of Solomon gives a solemn warning to the young maidens of Jerusalem. The statement bookends the Song, stressing its didactic function in the book:

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
     that you not stir up or awaken love
     until it pleases. (Song of Solomon 8:4; see 2:7)

I hope you can feel the gaze of the shepherdess peering at you through those lines. If you are a single person (that is, if you are not yet married), these words are for you. Beware of arousing love before it is appropriate. Be disciplined to guard yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. “Love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave” (Song of Solomon 8:6).

Think of the fires that ravaged California in early 2025. The public was warned that, under the right conditions, even flicking away a cigarette butt can lead to devastation. In the same way, seemingly innocent acts of “love” can wreck your heart and soul — or that of another — if they are expressed at the improper moment or in the improper way.

Be particularly careful not to awaken love with physical touch. When I started dating the young woman who is now my wife, I told her we would not kiss until we were engaged. I later amended this to “until we are married.” I’m so glad I did. I wish I had made that same commitment in previous relationships. To kiss romantically is to blow on an ember of affection. Within a marriage, it will stir the coals and warm the home. Outside marriage, it will be wind on a cigarette in the California drought.

Also, be careful not to awaken love with your promises. Measure your words. I say this especially to young men, since young ladies often do not hear things the same way young men do. If a young man hears a young lady say, “I love you,” he will likely take that as an expression of emotion. But if a young woman hears the same, she probably will be tempted to take it as a statement of intention, a promise about the future. I made a commitment when I was young that I would say “I love you” (in the romantic sense) only to the woman I would marry. I’m glad I kept this commitment. When I told Brooke I loved her, she knew I was about to propose (and I was).

Young man, for the sake of her heart, hold back the flood of your emotions. Just because you feel it does not mean you have to say it. If you must, write it down and hold it. If this is the one for you to marry, good — you will have a present to offer on your engagement day. If not, good — you will have something to burn at your bachelor party.

Finally, be careful not to awaken love with your spiritual practices. Interweaving individual habits of grace while dating can lead to spiritual codependency. Don’t make your most basic rhythms of Christian discipleship dependent on or identified with the other person. You need to have habits of prayer, Scripture study, and worship that stay distinct from your romantic interest. Young men, remember that you are not her spiritual leader until you marry her. The best way you can support her spiritual health is not by being her discipler or accountability partner but by encouraging her to depend on Christ and to seek accountability with spiritually mature women in her church.

2. Beware of Assuming a Covenant

Which came first: the Facebook relationship status or the covenantal assumptions underneath it? The answer is probably irrelevant, since the current dating generation doesn’t use Facebook, but you probably do make the same assumptions. I smile when I ask a group of college students how many of them are single, and those who are dating don’t raise their hands. I’ll often ask, “Oh, so you’re married?”

“Whether we live or die, date or marry, Christ remains the better portion.”

When we talk about being “in” or “out” of a relationship, we are borrowing a covenantal framework, even if we don’t realize it. The implication of a covenant is that there are certain terms we’ve agreed to. There are commitments, expectations, responsibilities — and, yes, rights. That’s why some of you bristled when you read my suggestion not to kiss your girlfriend. You may think you have a right to her body, even if just the smallest portion.

But here’s a question: What type of relationship is the dating relationship? Is it a subcategory of marriage or of singleness? I think you’ll agree that it’s more like singleness. Until you are married, you do not have fundamentally different rights, responsibilities, or privileges simply because you are dating. You don’t have a claim on his touch, affection, or future plans. Your significant other may be significant, but her body is still other — as in, not yours.

What you do have together is the covenantal responsibility to love and serve that is common to all who are united in Christ. You also share a research question: Would marriage be a wise choice for us? This question should soon turn into a hypothesis (which might be accompanied by a changed “relationship status”), which in time should become a theory and then eventually a covenant. (I don’t encourage drawn-out dating relationships or stretched-out engagements; both often assume a covenant that is not yet there.)

3. Beware of Isolation

Proverbs 18:1 says, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” So, don’t date behind closed doors. You’ll notice as you read the Song of Solomon that “others” keep getting parts in the production. These others support the couple, encourage them, and help them return to the right path during the rocky moments of marriage. These others serve as accountability for the godly couple. Hear me, Christian: You need others in your dating process.

We have a shallow understanding of household obligations today. I think that the parents, especially the father of the woman, would be wise to be very involved in a young couple’s dating relationship. When the guy asks for a blessing to marry, her dad should not have to shoot from the hip (metaphorically or otherwise) in giving his answer. A good dad searches for godly options and tests those who come calling. And the godly young couple does not resent him for it.

At the same time, not every young lady has a dad who understands, embraces, or is competent to fulfill his paternal obligations in this way. In this case, the young couple should still seek to honor her parents, but as far as protection, help, and counsel goes, they may need to rely more heavily on their local church. Not long ago, one of our church’s college students told me and my wife that, whenever a guy wants to date her, she’s going to have him sit down with me for an interview. I could not ask for a higher honor (and I’ve already started compiling the questions I plan to ask).

So, involve wise Christian others in your dating process. Invite spiritual fathers and mothers, and ask some trusted friends if they would embrace the spiritual gift of being the third wheel. I thank God for my friend and roommate, Michael, who loved me with the gift of presence and accountability (though I did not always enjoy it at the time!).

Be Aware of the Better Portion

The exhortations I have offered in this article are invitations to die to yourself for your own good and for the good of the one you date. This is not merely a requirement for dating; it is your daily responsibility once married. The way you date today is training you for the kind of spouse you will be tomorrow.

When I was single, I sold myself a lie. I thought that, if I remained a virgin, and especially if I married a virgin, and we were both committed Christians, then once we married I wouldn’t have to have self-control anymore. My wife would meet all my sexual desires and satisfy me completely. In other words, dam up your passions until marriage, and then (in the words of Treebeard at the battle of Isengard), “Release the river!”

Well, news flash: No one can meet all your desires. There are at least five reasons for this.

1. You are sinful.
2. You are broken.
3. He/she is sinful.
4. He/she is broken.
5. There’s other stuff to do. (This increases in proportion to the number of children you have.)

The point is this: Even in a healthy, Christ-honoring marriage, you will deal with much angst and frustration. So, don’t delay learning how to die to yourself and to be satisfied in the Lord. Whether we live or die, date or marry, Christ remains the better portion. Enjoy him above all else, even as you pursue his good gifts. If you do so, I can’t promise there will be no risks or costs to dating and marriage — but the risks will be right, and the costs will be worth it.Andrew Ballard (MDiv, Bethlehem College and Seminary, 2025) serves as assistant pastor at Bull Street Baptist Church in Savannah, Georgia. He is a husband to Brooke and father to Oliver and Eden, and he does freelance writing and editing.

Categories: Articole de interes general, Pentru lucrători